My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

When nothing is going right, go left.

I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright

Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. Ray Romano

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. Lane Olinghouse

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.